NHL Roundup

Fixing Hockey: Break it like Bettman
  by: Isaac Rathbone

The problem with hockey and it’s appeal has nothing to do fighting or aggression or any of that ire. Hockey’s appeal is low because…it’s hockey. The memo informing Commisioner Bettman of this fact must still be sitting on his desk.

The best hockey can place in the spectrum of popularity is 3rd out of the 4 major pro-sports. Maybe 2nd. And that is a HUGE maybe. Planets must align and deals with Satan must be made for it to place that high. Unfortunately for hockey fans, the NHL thinks it can be number one. The NHL is like that one friend we’ve all hung out with. They’re that guy who isn’t really all that attractive. Sure when they dress up for a wedding or fancy function, they look okay at best. But on Friday nights, when you go out, they really aren’t the best catch. But these people think they’re Derek Jeter. They’ve decided to put on some expensive threads and douse themselves in fragrances. Of course, this ploy doesn’t hide their weight/acne problem, sweating issues, love of swords, or abilities in conversational Klingon. They’ve set their standards way too high. When a girl of equal “merit” shall we say starts to hit on them, they shy away, roll their eyes, or worse, they act insulted. They’re saving themselves for the hotties. We’ve all known these people. And we’ve always been frustrated as hell with them. “Just go home with the fat chick! She’s in your league! I can’t stand you complaining all the time about not getting laid!” This is hockey. It has decided to set too lofty goals. It wants to beat baseball in American sports. It thinks it can beat out football. That day will only come when the Canadian Mounties patrol the streets of Manhattan. Hockey has decided to go after the sexy ladies, as opposed to ignoring the most abused fat chick in the history of civilization, Mother Nature. It’s a geographically limited sport. Sure there’s roller hockey, but the speed is different. The friction between rubber wheels and pavement is too great to really get the feel of blades on ice. I grew up in central NY, a place where it snows until May. There is nothing more fun than playing ice hockey out doors. In my mind, and many others, it trumps touch football or sweaty basketball courts. Do you know who those “many others” are? People raised in cold climates who have experienced the same thing. Nobody in Tampa Bay, or Atlanta, or Nashville have any idea what I’m talking about. But people in Canada, Buffalo, Minnesota, New England and Northern Illinois understand.

Hockey’s biggest problem right now is that it is too big. It expanded way to fast. It thought it could go for the hotties. Some of their best players are playing in the wrong markets. I have friends who are very active sports fans. They follow all the majors, and some college sports, fanatically but every so often they say, “There’s an NHL team in Atlanta?” Hockey has decided to expand in warm weather climates and worse yet, markets where pro-sports fans aren’t as fanatical. Most southern and mid-western fans love College sports, specifically Football. They are loyal and rabid fans of these sports, which is fantastic. But they cannot support a major league team that competes on a surface that cannot be found anywhere without paying for a skate rental.

Let’s cut the number of teams. Do it Bettman. Cut your loses and start over. Cut out 10 teams. You’ve already lost so much credibility with your fan base. It will be the best thing to do ever. You broke it, now fix it.

I’m not the first person to suggest this move. But here is my lay out of how the league should look. Now, not all of these teams that I am keeping are cold climate markets. I took into account market size/fan base activity, and hockey tradition. Hockey traditions seem to escape Mr. Bettman. To him, old school is circa 1998.

Here is the layout. I am also using the old names of the divisions and conferences. (Imagine if Selig even proposed getting rid of the National League and American League!) Please hockey fans, try to hold back the tears as I show these names and layouts.

Prince of Wales Conference Patrick Division: New York Rangers New York Islanders New Jersey Devils Philadelphia Flyers Pittsburgh Penguins

Adams Division: Buffalo Sabres Ottawa Senators Montreal Canadians Toronto Maple Leafs Boston Bruins

Clarence Campbell Conference Norris Division: Chicago Blackhawks St. Louis Blues Detroit Red Wings Colorado Avalanche Minnesota Wild

Smythe Division: Calgary Flames Edmonton Oilers Vancover Canucks LA Kings Dallas Stars

No Tampa Bays. No Carolinas. No Atlantas. No Nashvilles. (Yes, I have teams in LA and Dallas. But LA is a huge market that has proven that it can sustain a team since the late 60’s, thanks to a guy named Gretzky. Dallas is a Stanley Cup winner, a former cold climate team and has a market that can support most pro-sports teams. The fact that their team name is reminiscent of the symbol of Dallas’, and pro-football’s, most recognizable franchise doesn’t hurt.)

This is how the NHL should look. Imagine giving all the talent that is wasting away to fans who know that icing is not something on top of a cake. The caliber of play would be tremendous. It would be the best of the best. Put the minor league teams in those other markets. It’s not like you need a hometown team to root for. Think of all the Chicago Bulls fans from 10-15 years ago. Think of the people who follow Manchester United, and they play across an ocean! Sidney Crosby is going to get fans. Boston fans are passionate and are spread through out the globe. Don’t believe me? Watch an A’s/Red Sox game played in Oakland. Sure, the Bruins aren’t the Sox, but if the Bruins returned to their past glories, you’d see a lot of “B” jersey’s all over North America. Put Alex Ovechkin in a market with some love of the sport or better yet, media, and people will take note.

Of course there’s the playoffs. Here’s my suggestions. A) six teams from each Conference or B) seven with the best record getting a first round bye. They have first round byes in football. Sure upsets are fun, but you want to see the best teams win. Choice “B” would also include a 5 game first round series. Short series always produce an upset or two for those who love underdogs. This also makes the whole play-off season shorter. Hockey in June? Did this ever make sense?

Of course, this may never work out. This is just a fan’s dream. Sure, I have an East Coast bias. But I also have a hockey fan’s bias. This is my imaginary perfect hockey world. This is what I think of on a slow and crowded train. I think of my child hood, skating on the frozen pond behind my parent’s barn. Thinking about a violent but amazingly graceful sport. This is how the sport should look, instead of the 30 team, mediocre-fest of Bettman’s NHL. A man who just won’t go home with the fat chick

About this guest author: Isaac Rathbone is a professional playwright, living in NYC. His plays have been produced in various venues through out New York City, as well as the rest of the country

Information provided in NHL Roundup has been gathered from A.P. reports, ESPN.com, Sportsline.com, NHL.com and numerous other e-sources. Opinions expressed in NHL Roundup are solely the opinions of the author.