June 10, 2008

TRS: The Real Story Behind the Garza-Navarro Meeting

EXCLUSIVE: The Tampa Bay Sports Net has in its possession the conversations between Rays' pitcher Matt Garza and catcher Dioner Navarro on the mound, when Garza got a close-up look at what Navarro wears on his face, in the dugout when they met again and in the runway leading to the visitor's clubhouse.

Without anyone's knowledge, a miniature microphone was cleverly embedded in the catcher's mask padding and every word was heard across the Gulf of Mexico (when you are in an area loaded with 1,000-5,000 watt radio stations, you know you can hear them further out in the water to the west than you do over land to the east).

So without further adieu, TBSN brings you the complete blow-by-blow from start to finish.

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Dioner Navarro, upon arriving at the mound at the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington after Garza gave up a two-run homer: "What the hell are you doing?"

Matt Garza: "What?"

DN: "You're pitching like a girl."

MG: "You're the one who has to squat, not me. Get lost."

DN: "Listen Mr. Venus De Milo, I'd like to tell Joe what kind of fastball you have but I ain't caught one yet."

MG: "Hey, I'll start pitching when you start hitting."

DN: "Are you nuts? Have you seen my average?"

MG: "Oh, sorry. I watched The Natural before the game and I loved that line."

DN: "Knock, knock. Anyone home up there? We're playing a game here."

MG: "Get that mask out of my face. You want to ugly up this GQ face?"

DN: "I got more than this mask for ya."

MG: "Oh yeah?"

DN: "Yeah! And to think we traded Delmon Young for you."

MG: "I'll start pitching when Delmon Young starts hitting. So there."

DN: "Pitchers."

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Meanwhile, manager Joe Maddon has a flashback to Boston and pops open a '94 Harlan Estate Cabernet Sauvignon while he waits for his battery to come back to the dugout after the inning.

Joe Maddon to both players: "What the heck just happened out there?"

DN: "I dunno. Nothing skip."

MG: That's crap. He called me a girl and mashed his mask into this pretty face."

JM: "Well you were throwing like you had a dress on."

MG: See D, you even got Joe calling me names."

JM: "No I didn't." (Maddon takes huge gulp from his Reidel Sommelier)

DN: "No he didn't."

MG: "Yes he did." (Garza flails his arms and knocks over the rest of Maddon's $1,200 bottle of wine)

JM: "Why you......."

DN: "Don't worry skip, I'll take care of your light stuff."

MG: "I'll knock you all the way back to the Yankees' farm system....."

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The two players head down the steps to take their "misunderstanding" out of the range of the cameras as to not make people think this was a Manny Ramirez-Kevin Youkilis redux. Little did they know that new assistant video director Jonny Gomes was there for such an occasion, should it arise.

Gomes, it was learned, was trying to earn some extra cash. He tried to eat some Coco Crisp during the game and the headmaster gave him a time out because meals are served before and after games.

Taken back by Gomes being dressed as a sumo wrestler, everyone started to laugh, Garza went to the clubhouse, Navarro returned to the dugout and Maddon ordered some Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

It was cheaper.

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After the game, Garza was telling the press how sorry he was and Navarro was holding court about the loss of some expensive wine. He is a beer drinker but sympathized with his manager.

"I know what the price of a 40 is so it bothers me to see that happen," he said. "If Joe had a 40, it would have blown up and everyone would have been hit with flying glass. Thank goodness wine isn't carbonated."

A reporter told him that Boone's Farm has some bubbles in it.

"Oh, it's like Champale, huh?"

Maddon also expressed disappointment that Gomes tagged along on this road trip instead of going home like all suspended players do.

"I was ready to relax and watch Navvy and Matt go at it for a few rounds and then Jonny goes and spoils it," said the skipper. "I'm mad. I'd suspend him but he already is. And my wine is gone and I have to drink this crap. When do we play the Sox again?"

A reporter told him that Gomes diaper had fallen off and that's why everyone was laughing.

"Oh, that's a different story," he said. "Now he's going to Durham."

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BEWARE THE TERRORISTS: It appears the lunatic fringe of politics have interpreted the fist bump between Senator Barack Obama and his wife after he wrapped up the Democratic nomination for President as some sort of terrorist signal.

With all the fist bumping in baseball, maybe fans should check the baseballs flipped into the stands before they hand them off to their kids. The ink in Bud Selig's signature could be laced with poison tomatoes or spinach.