It's Time To Make Steroids Legal
Steroids, Doping, Gambling, Dog Fighting, and everything else. American sports fans have lived through a few months of hell and some of it needs to be fixed. How to do that? Legalize it.

August 11, 2007 

 A few weeks ago we talked about the case against Michael Vick. Since then, sports in general have suffered through some of the worst scandals in the shortest time. Point shaving, dog fighting, blood doping, its an epidemic at this point and its time someone does something.

The solution? Easy, legalize everything.  We live in a society where boxing is a sport that pits human against human, so why is dog against dog a big uproar. We should just let the referees bet on the games, the players and coaches as well. The rest of us do, why should they be left out of the fun?

Now, I am saying this to make a point. Nobody in his right mind (although it can be argued that I am not in my right mind most of the time) would suggest that we allow referees to tamper with the scoreboard, or quarterbacks to abuse animals. But sanction the use of performance-enhancing drugs? Honestly, the time has come for it.

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This is a performance-enhanced age, an era of Viagra-popping, Botox-shooting bliss. Wellness is the standard; better than well is the goal. How exactly are we going to take human nature out of the sports world?

Have you watched sports lately? The mediocrity and overall boringness is out of control. We should just make it mandatory that each player in professional sports use steroids, and a lot of them, I mean pitchers should actually be required to take twice the steroids, just so they can catch up with the batters because right now, where the hell is all the pitching.

There are more reasons to legalize it than it might appear at first glance.

The new improved player would be a gold mine for all the major sports.  It’d be a new reason to watch!  From a viewers stand point: Why not just let these guys pump themselves as full as they can, and we can sit back and watch Titans destroy each other. Plus, the advertising potential is endless. Football players would set new records every year, baseball players could begin to chase career home run records during their rookie season, not to mention what hockey players with sticks and 'roid rage can do for ratings. Lets just consider the thought of an entire NBA league made up of Shaq clones. Now that is excitement.  Pitchers and kickers would no longer have to look like gilligan or the skipper, but could actually become athletes.

The Barry Bonds Rule: You can use as many steroids as you want, but the only punishment for using them is the realization that the whole world knows that your testicles are the size of grapes.

Pump up your system with all the hormones, steroids, oxygenate your blood, take uppers and downers, just do whatever you want.

Let the games begin

After all, if players don’t want to win, why play at all.  If you’re scared of technology, maybe it’s time to retire and sit on the porch reminiscing about the good old days Curt. I mean, how often do you see an NBA player choose to play in Chuck Taylors? NFL players wear helmets and cups, not leather caps.

OK I will admit that a few years into this system, we will have players falling over like the bad guys in a John Wayne film, but that’s life. And in the meantime, the fireworks are going to be great for us fans.

Disclaimer: OK, this is for the people out there who flood my inbox. It's called satire. It's actually against everything I believe in.