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By Dave Wiley
Special to FemmeFan Weekly and SportzNutz
It is week nine in the
NFL. Being a Browns fan, had you told me my team would be mathematically
eliminated from playoff contention at this juncture of the season, I would not
have been surprised. On the other hand, if you said going into a Monday night
contest between the Steelers and the Ravens, if I root for the Ravens to win,
there would be a three way tie for 1st place in the AFC central and
the Browns would be one of the three teams, I would have laughed. I mean
really, a Browns fan rooting for the Ravens?
Wait, no that wasn’t the funny part. The funny part would have been the Browns being tied for first place. Amazing as it seems though, that is exactly the scenario that was set up for the Monday with the Browns sitting on the couch with me waiting to find out their place in the AFC Central. Additionally, had you told me Charlie Frye would be gone, Brady Quinn would be on the bench, and the Cleveland Browns would be winning with offense, I would probably have choked on my Cheetos. Well, the rooting halfheartedly for the Ravens thankfully ended roughly at halftime. Ben Roethlisberger had already thrown for five touchdowns, and the route was on. It was a good night to go to bed.
Final score? 38-7. The
Browns were firmly planted in sole possession of second place, and life was
good. This came on the heels of the Browns in a come-from-behind-overtime-win
at home versus the Seattle Seahawks. Browns win 33-30. Steelers sit at 6-2 for
the season, Browns 5-3, Ravens at 4-4. What a beautiful thing!!! Unfortunately
for the Browns, all central division rematches the rest of the season are away
games. Seattle, by the way, drops to 4-4 but still leads their division by a
game.
Best Game of the Week – The much-hyped Indianapolis Colts against the New
England Patriots ended up being just as good as predicted. Indy held a
ten-point margin 20-10 with ten minutes left in the game. That is a lot of tens
or multiples thereof!!! Unfortunately, the Patriots scoff at the law of tens,
and score 14 points in eight minutes to win the game 24-20. The bus ride home
was probably a lot sweeter than had it left ten minutes prior.
Randy Moss has nine catches for 145 yard and a TD. Colts fall from the ranks of
undefeated to 7-1. New England moves to 9-0 and keeps alive the hope of going
undefeated. Bill Belichick smiles and talks to the media while wearing a powder
blue tuxedo and a frilly shirt. Ok the last sentence was just a test to see if
you are an attentive reader, but the rest of it actually happened.
The Browns / Seattle game could have fallen into the best game of the week
category had it already not been discussed, but it was, so I bring it up again
just because I am a Browns fan and we haven’t had a whole lot to smile about
since the NFL imposed PSL’s on the Browns’ fans season tickets. The other best
game of the week would have to be the Washington Redskins defeating the New York
Jets 23-20 in overtime, obviously by a field goal since they won by three.
Redskins are 5-3 with the overtime win, while the Jets are 1-8.
Watching old Eddie Murphy nutty professor movies, they could sing “Sunday
Afternoon is great; we are 1 and 8…… Sunday, Sunday, Sunday… HEY!” My guess is
they did not think of this movie slash real life similarity though.
Best Performance of the week- The San Diego Chargers and LaDanian Tomlinson
headed into Minnesota on a winning streak. The Minnesota Vikings and Adrian
Peterson were headed the opposite way. One of these two backs ran for 296 yards
on 30 carries, the other? 16 attempts for 40 yards. One set the record for the
most rushing yards in a single game. The other? The most highly touted rusher
in the NFL at the beginning of the season. Congratulations Adrian Peterson on
setting this mark!! LD? Ever since your whining episode last year, you have
not been so good. Chargers fall to 4-4. The Vikings record, a pedestrian 3-5,
but they still have Adrian Peterson, who also leads the league in yards so far
this year, a whopping 1036. A thousand-yard rushing rookie in this his ninth
game. AYE CARAMBA!!
Dallas turned in two great performances, one from Tony Romo, the second from
Terrell Owens. Owens catches 10 passes for 174 yards and a TD, while Romo ends
up with 324 yards passing as the Dallas Cowboys beat the Philadelphia Eagles
38-17. Cowboys stay atop their division with a 7-1 mark. The Eagles drop to
3-5.
The New Orleans Saints and the Jacksonville Jaguars both got a lot of passing
yards out of their QBs. Drew Brees threw for 445 yards and three TDs. Quinn
Gray threw for 354 yards and two TDs. The difference between the two? You’ve
heard of Drew Brees… Well that and three interceptions by Gray, none by Brees.
New Orleans pulls out a huge victory, winning 41-24. They get back to .500
after a horrible start to the season, parked at 4-4. The Jags are 5-3, but this
loss had to hurt.
In the Butt Whoopings passed out here category – The Detroit Lions get the giant
paddle for the biggest butt whooping of the week, stomping the Denver Broncos
44-7. Detroit moves to 6-2 and I’m wondering if I should dust off the
five-million-to-one shot Vegas ticket I have stuck in the couch cushion for
Detroit in the Super Bowl.
Too bad it is from 1975!!
Denver is a horrifying
3-5. Somewhere Jake Plummer is sporting a beard down to his knees and
laughing. Somewhere else, like in Denver, Jay Cutler smells like a rotten
pumpkin. The John Elway workout watch is still in effect.
Tennessee lays twenty on Carolina, but lets them score seven in the fourth, and
wins handily 20-7. The Titans are a fantastic 6-2. Carolina drops to 4-4.
Remember two years ago when everyone was whining about how Steve McNair was
treated by Tennessee? Not a while lot of whining going on in Tennessee now,
well except for all those sad country music tunes. Additionally, remember all
that NFL combine whining about the bad test scores out of Vince Young? All he
does is keep on winning in Tennessee.
Surprise of the week –
The Raiders lost again? That is UNBELIEVABLE!! Houston gets back on track with
a 24-17 victory over the Los Angeles Raiders. Raiders drop to 2-6, but I’m SURE
they will win next week. Houston is 4-5 and has a cow skeleton as an emblem.
I’m not sure I would want a carcass as a symbol for a team if I were an owner
intent on winning. There’s one marketing company that got paid for not thinking
too hard.
The real surprise of the week was Atlanta beating San Francisco. Oof. If you
are a 49er fan, how much worse can it get…? Wait, you could lose to the
Raiders!! In actuality, you can not as the 49ers don’t play the Raiders this
year. See there really is a silver lining (pun intended) Atlanta wins 20-16.
Both teams are 2-6. ‘Nuff Said.
The third surprise of the week has to be the Buffalo Bills beating the
Cincinnati Bengals. The surprise part is pleasant for the Bills. They sit at
4-4 for the season and are playing good team ball. The surprise part for the
Bengals is unpleasant. Expected to be a playoff contender this year, they are
2-6 and going absolutely nowhere. No matter what color you paint the stripes,
the animal always seems go back to just plain bad if you are in Cincinnati.
Games left to talk about – Tampa Bay beats Arizona 17-10. Buccaneers move to
5-4 with the victory. Cards drop to 3-5 with the defeat. Finally, Green Bay
ups its season record to a stellar 7-1. Favre throws for 360 yards, two
touchdowns, and two interceptions in the victory. Larry Johnson rushes 19 times
for 53 yards in defeat. Chiefs fall to 4-4.
Thankfully, there was no new couch shopping going on this week as the New
England / Indianapolis game was not televised anywhere near what would have been
the area in my living room where said new couch would have been placed. For
some reason unbeknownst to man, the Browns played a 4:00 home game so local
television wins out over the game of the year. While I enjoyed the Browns game
immensely, the Browns are supposed to play at 1:00 and would have tremendously
enhanced my chances of seeing New England/ Indy at 4:00. Thank you
football-scheduling people for changing the Browns to 1:00 so I could not see
that game.
This wisdom of not showing great match ups across the USA continues to be
perplexing. Even I could have chosen this game as a great Sunday Night or
Monday night thriller way back when as the schedule was developed. Why do
skunks smell? Why do people eat rhubarb, and how does the NFL pick the games
that go on Monday night? The answers to these and many other questions, never
answered as coach from the couch vacuums up yet another Sunday afternoon.
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